We all know someone who has lived through an abusive or toxic relationship. A sister, a friend, a colleague, a parent. Maybe it’s you.
In my hypnotherapy practice, it is an increasingly common reason people refer themselves to me, and far too common to ignore. Mostly women, and some men. Often they come for something else entirely, anxiety, sleep, confidence, weight, and then, sometimes for the very first time, they start to talk about how unhappy they feel in their relationship.
The numbers tell the same story. The Office for National Statistics estimates that around 3.8 million people aged 16 and over in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year to March 2025. That’s roughly 1 in 13 people, and around 2.2 million of them were women. Contacts to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline rose to more than 174,000 in the same year. And these figures only capture what people are willing, or able, to report.
I have seen so many clients transform their lives through this work that I decided it deserved its own dedicated, structured programme: Return to You. For some people, getting free of an abusive relationship and the beliefs it leaves behind doesn’t just change their life. It may save it.
Toxic or abusive: what’s the difference?
The two words are often used interchangeably, but there is an important difference.
A toxic relationship is one where the dynamic is unhealthy and leaves you feeling drained, anxious or diminished. There may be constant criticism, jealousy, point-scoring, poor communication or a lack of respect, and sometimes both people contribute to it. It is damaging, but it isn’t always about one person controlling the other.
An abusive relationship is about power and control. One person repeatedly uses behaviour to dominate, frighten, isolate or diminish the other. Abuse can be:
- Physical: hitting, pushing, restraining, intimidation
- Psychological and emotional: belittling, gaslighting, threats, isolating you from friends and family
- Coercive control: a pattern of monitoring, rules and punishments that slowly takes away your freedom. In England and Wales this is a criminal offence
- Financial or economic: controlling your money, work or access to resources
- Sexual: any sexual activity you didn’t freely consent to
A relationship can be toxic without being abusive, and toxic relationships can slide into abuse. If you’re not sure which yours was, or is, that uncertainty is very common. Abuse often works by making you doubt your own judgement.
What it leaves behind
Whatever the experience, my clients almost always arrive carrying the same beliefs about themselves:
- I’m not good enough
- It must have been my fault
- I don’t deserve any better
- A happy, healthy, loving relationship just isn’t for me
Alongside these beliefs come a whole host of feelings: sadness, anger, guilt, blame, shame, regret, insecurity, loneliness and jealousy. For some, there is trauma or PTSD too.
Some of my clients grew up with abuse, sometimes at the hands of a parent, so it felt normal long before their first relationship. Others had a happy childhood and good self-esteem, and were slowly worn down by a relationship as a young or older adult. Both are real, and both can be healed.
When healthy feels “weird”: a client’s story
One client came to me after years of relationships that were all, in one way or another, abusive.
After a couple of sessions focused on her self-esteem and confidence, she arrived elated. She’d been on a date with a man who was a breath of fresh air. He listened, they got on, he was attentive, and she’d had a really good time.
Then, almost in the same breath, she said: “Oh, but I’m not going to see him again.”
I asked her why. “Because it was weird,” she said, and began listing her insecurities, including that he had a better job than her.
I explained that it wasn’t weird. It was unfamiliar. Our subconscious mind is wired to keep moving us towards what is familiar, even when the familiar hurts us. Familiar feels safe, simply because we know it.
So I asked her a question: who, if anyone, did the men who usually let her down and disrespected her remind her of? From our earlier work I already knew the answer. She replied straight away: “My dad.”
We kept working together. She gave the new man a chance, and at the same time she explored her relationship values, learned about healthy boundaries, how to spot and respond to red flags, and what she would no longer tolerate. Her confidence and self-esteem grew enormously.
We stayed in touch for a while. The last time we spoke, she was still with him and she was very happy. At the very least, she is now on a new, healthy and satisfying relationship path, and that is what this work is all about.
Return to You: structured, flexible and tailored to you
This programme is for adults who are moving on from a toxic or abusive relationship, whether it was a marriage, a long-term partnership or something shorter. It’s also for anyone who recognises a pattern of relationships where they have felt undermined, undervalued or controlled, and wants to break that pattern for good.
It has a clear structure, because people who have lived with chaos and unpredictability often benefit from knowing what comes next. But no two people have the same story, so every programme is tailored to your experiences, your pace and your goals.
How I work
I have many years of experience working in mental health, and I’m an advanced trained hypnotherapist. I trained with two of the world’s leading hypnotherapists: Calvin Banyan, creator of 5-PATH, and Marisa Peer, founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT).
I’m also trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing), a therapy traditionally used to treat trauma, and I was trained in it by Dr Michael Paterson OBE. I don’t use EMDR with everyone. Where I judge it will benefit you, I often use it alongside hypnotherapy, depending on your experiences. Both work at the source of the problem, and both aim to change the limiting beliefs that drive painful feelings and unhelpful patterns, rather than just managing the symptoms.
The five sessions
Return to You is five 60-minute sessions, and each one builds on the last. It’s a journey, not a collection of one-off appointments. Your safety is always the priority, and I adapt my approach and advice to your circumstances throughout.
- The Full Picture. We map your relationship history, identify the patterns, and begin to understand what has been driving them, including where the belief that you’re not enough first came from, and where you first learned to tolerate poor treatment or make yourself small. We build the trust and safety for the deeper work ahead.
- Letting Go of the Story. Processing the sadness, anger, guilt, shame, blame and regret so they lose their grip. Where needed, processing trauma, sometimes using EMDR.
- Where Did You Go? Reconnecting with who you were before the relationship, and discovering who you are becoming.
- Rebuilding the Foundation. Clearing the beliefs that say “I’m not enough” and “I don’t deserve better”, and restoring your confidence and self-worth.
- The New Chapter. Getting clear on your relationship values, your non-negotiables, healthy boundaries and the red flags you’ll no longer ignore, so you leave with a new blueprint for what you want and what you’ll no longer accept. For those who are ready, this can include getting clear on the loving partner you want to attract.
What’s included
- Five 60-minute hypnotherapy sessions
- Email support between sessions
- A bespoke audio recording made just for you, to keep using after the programme ends
Sessions are available online and in person. I work with a small number of clients at a time, so each person gets my full focus and care.
My hopes for this work
The crux of everything I do with these clients is simple: helping you know, deep down, that you are enough, and that you are worthy of a happy, healthy, loving relationship.
My hope is that you leave this programme no longer defined by what happened to you. That you understand your feelings rather than fear them. That you know what a good relationship looks like for you, and recognise it when it arrives, even if at first it feels unfamiliar. And that the old pattern stops here, so your future relationships look and feel very different.
I’ve watched clients rediscover their laugh, their friendships, their ambition and their peace. It is some of the most rewarding work I do.
Ready to talk?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can book Return to You directly online at workyourpotential.com, or talk it through first on a free, confidential Discovery Call.
Call me on +44 7443 117672 or email workyourpotential@gmail.com.
If you feel unsafe right now
If you are reading this and you are in a relationship where you feel frightened or unsafe, please reach out for support. Therapy can come later. Your safety comes first.
- In an emergency, call 999. If you can’t speak safely, stay on the line and press 55 when prompted (the Silent Solution), and you’ll be put through to the police.
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge): 0808 2000 247, free and open 24 hours a day
- Men’s Advice Line for male victims: 0808 801 0327
- National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline (Galop): 0800 999 5428
- Women’s Aid offers live chat, email support and a survivors’ forum online
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And if you’re worried about a friend or family member, these helplines can support you too.